Looks Better on Paper


Y’all. I’ve been trying, I really have… but the dudes on these dating apps have too much time to be fucking crazy and not enough time to get diagnosed by a therapist. For a while I used to think, maybe it’s me? Maybe I could change my approach? Well goddamn it I have tried it ALL. Hinge, Tinder, Match, Bumble, I’ve tried em all. For the most part, I’m pretty lucky though because I haven’t necessarily had too many crazy “dating” stories. As a matter of fact, my friend was just telling me how she had to LITERALLY run away from a guy on a date. Luckily she’s now happily engaged, so yay! Another friend of mine got a message on Instagram from someone she matched with on bumble a few months prior saying how she was in an abusive relationship with someone and that they lied to the cops about the whole thing to avoid getting in trouble. The gag is, she and my friend never met in person… I mean… can you say weird? I recently just updated my tinder bio to say “a lot of you aren’t quirky… you’re simply just undiagnosed”. Because it’s true, men need fucking therapy and need to stop using their lack of human functionality as ~personality traits~

You know, to be honest, I’ve been rejected quite a lot by people who were not on my level (let’s be real, they weren’t. I know my worth). I’ve even had these white dudes attempt to fetishize me on these apps, at this point I laugh it off, only after telling them to fuck off and blocking them of course. But I feel like after my past experience these 4 months, I’ve reached a breaking point. I thought I found a guy who was exactly what I was looking for, turns out… he was WAY better on paper than he was in real life. Buckle up bitches, this is only the beginning of the saga…!

So I’ve been on and off these dating apps since god knows how long. Years. Eons. Decades!!! Kidding, kidding. When the lockdown hit I figured hey why not see who’s sitting at home lonely and single just like little ol’ me! Turns out, a bunch of goddamn weirdos! I went on two socially distanced dates, and have talked to about 100 guys at this point. Then suddenly one September afternoon I saw a super cute guy from Hermosa Beach on tinder who was… 5,265 miles away? For some reason my stupid brain told me not to trust my better judgement and I swiped right. As my girl Julia Roberts would say… BIG MISTAKE… HUGE! Once we started talking, I learned that his company had planned on moving him out here to extend their business to the United States. I probably should’ve taken me falling and nearly breaking my knee cap, my dog refusing to eat, and getting stuck in a Trump Parade on the way home from getting a new tattoo in ALL IN ONE DAY as signs to STEER CLEAR. But as I said my brain be on that dumb shit sometimes.

Ironically, this is not the first time a girl has written a blog post about how shitty this guy is (we’ll get into that a bit later), and I’m sure it won’t be the last. At first he was super cool, talked about common interests, super chatty (something I usually don’t like, but hey we’re in lockdown why not!) Turns out this was just the first sign of his narcissism. This is what a narcissist does. They come off super charming, tell you everything you want to hear, give you tons of gifts, compliments, a sense of approval… then BOOM ASSHOLE ALERT! I mean when it comes to dating, you would think someone would be doing these things to be genuine, but instead this is the first step of their attempt at manipulation and control. One of the first things I do at this point on the apps is ask them when their last relationship was. When Fluke Hoggs (that’s what we’re gonna call him, because that’s what my 4 months of chatting with him was, a fucking Fluke) told me in September that his last relationship was in March I was a little worried. He then went into his opinions of his ex and why they didn’t work out. He mentioned how much money he spent on her, and how he would have to listen to her problems… you know… like that thing that starts with a B and ends with OYFRIEND should be doing. He even tried to say she “cheated” but turns out, they weren’t even official at the time. So uh, homegirl was still on the market and allowed to do what she wanted! PERIODT. Coincidentally, the things he claimed she would complain about with him, I too eventually complained about. But of course when you ask a narcissist for things like communication and a sense of caring and understanding it comes off as “demanding” or “needy”. Give me a fucking break you cyborg. I, not knowing really either party too well, all I could do is take his word for it. Until I did a little digging and found out who she was (sorry girl). Honestly she looked normal to me, and someone I actually wanted to be friends with! She looks like a fun loving and hard working girl, and clearly she’s clearly got 100 times more personality than his drab ass has in his left pinky toe. But I digress. He also casually mentioned he had a “stalker”. Which of course, my reaction was huh? Not something you casually drop on someone. When I asked for more details, he said that it was a different girl he took out on a date from his job. They “hung out”, whatever that means these days, and then for some reason she cursed him out and her friends would even call his phone cursing him out. I mean… someone doesn’t just get treated that way for “nothing”. He even said she wrote a post on her own blog about him and his shitty ways. Something I’d actually love to read one day. And being that he ended up being a pathological liar, I’m sure way more than “hanging out” happened that night. But again, stupid brain said “Girl ignore it, live your life!”

BECAUSEEEE I’ve been on these apps for so long, I thought to myself “wow okay, he’s got a great job. He’s tall. We’ve got similar interests. And he’s kind. PERFECT!” I assumed his affection was all genuine. Turns out he was “lovebombing” me, a common tactic used by narcissists. They flood you with affection and attention in order for you to let your guard down and trust them. As I said, I’m not really great at dating so I figured why not accept the affection and let my guard down a bit. Another huge mistake. Because once a narcissist sees your guard is down, they think they’ve got you wrapped around your finger. I presume he took me being drained from a worldwide pandemic as “weak”, but honestly I just wanted someone to chat with besides my dog (sorry Oz). In fact, I couldn’t be more opposite. I am probably the textbook definition of “strong independent woman”. And damn it I’m proud of it! At a certain point I would mention that I needed space, but I was never granted that. Because after me voicing my needs, 5 minutes later he texted me saying he couldn’t NOT wait until tomorrow to talk to me… like okay go watch a fucking movie or something bro.

Though the compliments are nice, I eventually wanted something more than someone telling me how “pretty” I am or how “cool” I am or what lavish trips he wanted to take me on. Even after me constantly saying I didn’t really care about that. I want someone who cares about me and my feelings, or someone who asks about my day or my goals in life. Because I have so many! I want to continue my career in television and develop Elite Urbanite to the brand I want it to be. But again, a narcissist doesn’t care. Because to them, you’re the secondary or supporting character in this narrative. So once I began to speak up on my needs, the arguments ensued. One particularly ridiculous situation was when I looked at his friends IG story. First off, this “friend” was just someone he met on tinder that didn’t work out romantically, they never met IRL. Meanwhile I’m FaceTiming Fluke everyday, this chick knows who I am, I looked at maybe two stories then she wants to sound the alarm and wants to somehow correlate her anxiety with me looking at her profile. Girl, tell that to all those very obvious thirst traps you have on your page. Your 36 year old ass needs to go play with the grown ups. But of course, a narcissist with no empathy isn’t going to understand that her behavior (running to him and talking about me, someone she’s never met) is inappropriate and completely unnecessary. If she really wanted to be my “friend” like she said to him, why not just add me when you recognize the name? The part that was really uncool to me, was that he believed this random ass woman over me and tried to make me appear as the villian in the situation. I mean its fucking instagram… everyone “stalks” each other. Especially if your profile is OPEN.

Once we got past that I still continued to voice that my needs weren’t exactly being met, and that he suddenly was being a bit “unemotional” (thank you to his ex who used this spot on description because, whew). All I simply asked for was proper communication. For example, let me know when you need space so I can do the same. Let me know if this isn’t working for you so I can move on. Ironically, his brother seems to have a very happy and humble life with his wife and newborn son. But for some reason he would continue to bring up how much better his job was over his brothers, and how his sister in law was the real bread winner. He would even talk about how his parents weren’t the brightest, and how he doesn’t feel he needs to listen to them because they’re “Blue Collar”. Sheesh. I mean listen, not to brag, but I come from a relatively wealthy family and made somewhat of a career in television myself so… money isn’t really something I care about. Money is nice, but it doesn’t make you a good person. As we see here. I also thought it was a red flag that I, someone he never met, knew more about his past relationship than anyone in his fucking family… like what? It was strange for him to seem to close to his family, only to never tell them anything about his personal life and dating experiences? Or seek out advice? But ah yes, there it is again, another narcissistic trait. A sense of entitlement. He doesn’t feel he needs anyone else’s advice because a narcissist is “always right”. Several red flags were raised, but truthfully I didn’t think much of it because I wasn’t officially dating this person, it was just someone I had casually been chatting with everyday for a couple of months.

Around late November/early December I noticed his behavior began to change. To which again, I said if you’re not interested in this anymore feel free to let me know. I said, and I quote “I can’t be mad at you for not being interested in me anymore, I can only be mad about you not being honest with me.” He constantly lied and credited his sudden distance to “stress”. For background, he was promoted to a VP position at his company in order to help get the US branch up and running. Funny thing is, when I made a comment about work around that time… he apparently had been demoted to manager for over a month… something he “asked” for. Sir nobody asks to be demoted in a pandemic, knock it off. Unfortunately that wasn’t his only lie.

When I asked if he was speaking to other people he continued to assure me he wasn’t, and that dating was just something not in the cards for him right now. Between moving to the U.S. and trying to start up a new branch, I totally understood. He said he didn’t have the time or energy to date with all the stress from work. Regardless, we agreed to take it slow/keep it friendly for the time being until he got settled here in LA. Between losing both my job and my sanity during this lockdown, taking it slow worked pretty well for me too. If someone’s cool and we have a lot in common, why not see what the future may hold. Until his behavior began to get more and more suspicious. To which I said, I’m not sure if you’re speaking to other people or just not interested, but I’m tired of trying to figure out what this is. Which of course again turned into another argument filled with plenty of gaslighting. The first time I said I wanted to stop communication, he claimed I was trying to get rid of him. Which if we never met why should it matter? All this was, was a narcissist realizing he had began to lose control, and Fluke realizing that I wasn’t that weak person he thought I was. Sure, I’m laid back and unproblematic, but I don’t take kindly to bullshit. But again, stupid brain said why not keep it friendly. And with that, I expected him to flat out tell me he was no longer interested, I would joke about it and ask whether or not he was doing so, only to be told I was “demanding answers out of him” and “pushing a false idea”. This is the exact definition of gaslighting.

I had confronted him a second time and he finally admitted he had lost interest which is fine. Until he said he had lost interest over A MONTH AGO. Huh??? I thought it was very bizarre for someone I don’t know to continue to chat with me like there was a possibility of us getting together when he moved here. But when I said I assumed the reason was because he was talking to other girls, I was still made to seem as though I was “crazy” and “making things up”.

Because I am a top tier instagram spy, I found out that all that shit was a LIE. He had been talking to some hoe who shakes ass on IG for free and can barely form a fucking sentence. If that’s what you want buddy, go ahead, that’ll never be me. I don’t care that it didn’t work out, I’m pissed that I was RIGHT and that a man (actually a “boy” tbh) I have never met was so manipulative that he felt the need to lead me on and string me along for months, while still talking to other girls. Like what was the point other than being a manipulative dickhead? We don’t know one another, this could’ve been a clear and easy ending by saying “You’re great, but I’m not interested”. So, one day I woke up feeling petty and took matters into my own hands because nobody plays Tiffani.

About a week or two prior to the final fall out, I saw this hoe had added him on IG and liked almost EVERY picture of his. I mean… it was clear. Also to be fair, I have no issue with a little hoe activity once in a while. We all have our phases. But putting it on the internet for the male gaze and not doing it to empower yourself is completely different. Back to the story. So I kept an eye on her profile and mentioned it to my friends. I told my mom too, but she doesn’t really get social media and saw nothing wrong with it (love ya mom). There were actually a few girls I didn’t particularly trust on his page, but you know, that wasn’t my business… until it was. So one day I check the profile and see that she’s dancing around in a tied up shirt and a pair of panties (again, for free) to California Girls by Katy Perry with the caption “oh he’s so luckyy”. LOL stupid, but also I knew I finally figured this whole mess out. I mean why else would a girl FROM Los Angeles be singing this song unless it was for someone not from California? BINGO! Soooo, “my friend” messaged her and said “is ‘he’ Fluke?”. And because she is not the brightest tool in the shed, she said “how did you know?” Now this is something I’ve never done before and never will because I simply don’t have the energy. But Fluke needed a taste of his own fucking medicine and I did just that.

She wasn’t receptive at first to the receipts I showed her, I presume because she simply does not know how to read. Which is okay, some of us are a little slower to learn than others. But eventually she realized that he had been talking to us both at the same time, and lying about it. When I unblocked his number I didn’t have much to say, but I did let him know that I wasn’t fucking stupid and that I will find out the truth EVERY TIME. I also let him know that it was time for him to stop playing victim and using that “nice guy card”, because he’s NOT a nice guy. He is a narcissist who sells women on fantasies for his own personal gain. However, I’m not the one to fuck with. In true narcissist fashion, he didn’t take blame for anything he had done and tried to diminish my character. Bitch I survived 2020, you can’t hurt me! He even tried to say everything I told this girl was a lie (even though I have receipts) and that I was harassing people, which again nope. Just calling assholes out on their bullshit… all in a days work. He said he did nothing wrong by leading me on for months and blatantly lying about whether or not he was pursuing something else with someone else. He even said we were BOTH to blame because I “didn’t take a hint”. Maybe if he learned to properly communicate and say it with his chest like a MAN there wouldn’t be any issues. The difference is, that he can communicate, he just doesn’t want to communicate.

I’m not sure what did/or will become of him and “OnlyFree” (get it, like OnlyFans? But for free? I crack myself up… or maybe it’s just the Prosecco.. anyway LOL) but I totally get why he is drawn to someone like her. Her only purpose in life seems to be being taken care of and to be seen as a sexual object. Which is sad. She’s not ugly at all. I was even nice to her and said she wasn’t at fault for anything. I just simply was warning her about how this guy is lying to both of us and that he is manipulative toward black women specifically. I do know she read what I sent her, and thanked me for sending it her way. The following day she posted another weird dancing video (my friend hilariously said she dances like the batteries are dying) with some song called “Dead Man Walking”, so that’s kinda funny. Fluke knows he can have control over her because she essentially has nothing to offer besides her body. No thoughts, just vibes. As the kids say these days. So him and his money and stupid expensive jeans that he wouldn’t shut up about, are a huge catch to someone like her.

I’m sure she, who clearly has nothing but hood niggas on her profile, knows a ton about Nirvana and loves a good round of darts at the local pub… sike! While I don’t know the “stalker” at all, and I don’t know the ex personally, I can assure you that these were both women who went through very similar experiences to myself. Though it may sound like I’m bitter, I’m really not. Sometimes my dark sense of humor slips out and I can’t bring it back. Honestly, I just fucking hate liars and am tired of men labeling women as “crazy” when they’re the ones running around negatively effecting people with their undiagnosed mental illnesses. In 2021, I need men to seek therapy because I think I can speak for all women when I say we are tired of y’all’s fucking bullshit. Granted, I get people do have experiences with “crazy” exes, but when EVERY SINGLE ONE is crazy?… That’s a reflection on YOU and the way you treat people. I hope that the other two women I mentioned are much happier in their lives and have moved on to find someone who truly cares about them, because that’s what they deserve. And I hope this new girl finds a pair of pants soon because it’s getting pretty cold out here in LA. Though every girl would love to find a guy with a great job, who’s tall, who’s kind, and who can spoil them, it turns out that guys like that are WAY better on paper than they are in reality. Assholes like Fluke see these all as tools to control women to boost their own ego. I know personally I have things to work on, I can be aggressive and stuck in my New York ways, and when I meet the right Mr. Right I will do my best to make that relationship work for both parties. But as I’ve mentioned, Elite Urbanite is about empowering women, and if that means calling out narcissists in my free time, so be it. Until then, we’re stepping on necks all of 2021.

Happy New Year Bitches xx

Look Out for Green Flags!

Look Out for Green Flags!

When getting to know someone, we find ourselves feverishly trying to read between the lines and point out red flags. Sometimes we’re too busy trying to find out what someone’s flaws are, that we ignore all of the GOOD qualities they have to offer. I like to call these GREEN flags!

The dating world is such shit these days, so I don’t really blame people for focusing on the red flags. People are crazy and don’t know how to develop long lasting relationships. I’m pretty guilty of often ignoring red flags, all because I’m hopeful that someone will change. But honestly these people DON’T want to change. They want to find someone who will change to fit their expectations, which most of the time are unrealistic. Once I remove myself from these situations I see just how toxic these mother fuckers were. For so long I’ve constantly experienced gaslighting and manipulation, when I really wasn’t asking for much out of the situation. If I can’t express my feelings without a guy getting mad, or having them blame me for the demise of a potential relationship, clearly they’re not the one. And they’re probably just a straight up asshole to everyone around them, mainly because nobody has called them out on their shit and told them to grow the hell up.

That being said, once you actually DO find someone who checks off all of the proverbial boxes, you find yourself trying to figure out what’s wrong with them. Nobody is completely flawless, but after a while we do find someone that is exactly who we need. Unfortunately due to past experiences, I find myself nitpicking every conversation and second guessing my own actions in order to not screw the situation up. When in reality, one difference of opinion or interest shouldn’t be enough for someone who really is interesting in developing something further. I’m training myself to pay more attention to and highlight these green flags rather than attempt to find some sort of negative attribute about someone who is everything I’ve asked for. Everyone has different needs in a relationship, but I’ve listed the 10 most important things to me when it comes to dating (in no particular order). Check it out below!


They always say communication is key, and it really is! I consider myself to be a great communicator, so I would encourage my partner to be the same way. If I said something that hurt my partner’s feelings or did something they didn’t particularly like, I would expect them to properly communicate this to me. I’m really not easily offended, but the way a message is conveyed is important. For instance, there is a difference between saying “you never listen to me!” and “I feel like I’m not being heard”. Truthfully no one can dispute with you about how YOU feel, all they can do is try to change their behavior and improve the situation. But if you present the situation as an attack, more than likely the issue won’t be resolved. So communication very is important on both ends!


I hate a fucking liar. Even when it comes to a little white lie. If you want to spend time with your boys or time alone, just say that. I don’t need some sort of made up excuse, because that makes me feel like I can’t trust you or that you don’t trust my reaction to situations. Of course if a guy lies about something major like cheating then all bets are off, but little things like not liking a certain interest of mine aren’t necessary to lie about. I would rather someone be authentic from the beginning rather than lie to appease me. If someone likes to stay home but forces themselves to constantly go out just because their partner likes it, they’re not being authentic to themselves and it will eventually be a major flaw in the relationship.

They Hype You Up

Now, I’m not someone who needs constant compliments and validation. But it is good to feel like you have someone in your corner rooting for you. I’m super close with my family, and they constantly hype me up. But at times it feels biased because, well, they’re my family! Though they’re pretty honest with me If I do fuck something up, it’s hard for me to receive their compliments because they’ve known me for 25 years and we share the same genes. It’s awesome to be able to meet someone who at one point was a complete stranger, actually want to see you succeed and do great things in life. In the past I’ve felt as though I had to dim myself down in order to not outshine my partner, which is so pathetic on both ends. If you don’t want to see your partner succeed you don’t deserve a partner. And I’m personally embarrassed that I tried to make myself appear as less in order to make some bum feel more. Someone who is that insecure is never going to suddenly gain a drastic boost of confidence, but they certainly will feel some sort of power when they realize they’ve halted someone else’s growth. And we ain’t letting that shit slide anymore!

Difference of Opinions

People are people! There are bound to be differences of opinions, we aren’t robots so we shouldn’t try to program ourselves to be the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend. I love staying active. I workout 6 times a week, I know that lifestyle isn’t for everyone but I’m not going to write someone off if they don’t like it. If someone loves horror movies or anime, I’m not going to write them off because it’s not something I’m interested in. I feel like with everything there is some sort of compromise, not in the sense that you are compromising yourself, but you are agreeing to come to an equal decision with someone you care about. If I workout 6 times a week, and my partner isn’t that active, maybe we could find some sort of shared workout to do together that we both enjoy. If I like the apartment to be 70 degrees, and they like it to be 80, it’s pretty easy to keep it cool at a nice equal 75 degrees. Don’t get me wrong, some things are total deal breakers. For instance, if you are a trump supporter, you can lose my number immediately. We’ll never agree on that. But I feel some people like to use their unshared interests as an excuse to end things or have some sort of leverage. It’s perfectly normal to have completely different interests, it actually keeps things interesting! (Yes pun, intended).

They Don’t Make You Feel Bad for Having Feelings

I know, it’s a bit of a mouthful. But it’s true. As women we already have a fear of expressing ourselves to avoid appearing overly emotional. So when it comes to a relationship, we think to ourselves “oh god, let me not make a big deal out of this so he doesn’t think I’m emotional or even worse, crazy”. I mean how fucked up is that? Some of these have made us feel like we can’t even express completely normal emotions. I mean I guess that’s why that show Snapped exists, totally kidding! But truthfully it’s unhealthy to bottle up your emotions, just to spare yourself an argument with your partner. If you can’t come to your partner and talk about something that’s bothering you or something you’re insecure about, kick that dude to the curb. I am guilty of saying “I’m sorry I feel that…” because so many guys in the past have made me feel as though my feelings were some sort of allergic reaction to their douchey behavior. Instead get yourself a partner who says there’s no reason to be sorry for feeling a particular way, especially if the emotions are valid.


Obviously your partner should have the utmost respect for you, that’s a given. But for me, it’s also important that they are respectful to those around him. I always like to ask what a guys relationship is with their mother. That often tells me all I need to know. For instance, if they spend time with their mom, communicate with her often, and help them when needed, clearly they have a great character and have been brought up well. My brother is super close to our mom, and because of this he treats his girlfriends with respect. (Some of the ones in the past definitely didn’t deserve it, but he has since learned his lesson and found a great gal!) Also if a guy is rude to a waiter on the date, they might as well get the check right then in there. I especially hate when I’m on a date and can’t even get a word in. I went on a date with some turd who thought he was a big shot because he went to grad school, by time he shut up for 10 seconds I couldn’t even think of anything to ask, my brain was enjoying the silence. To me, that just shows me that you think you’re above certain people. That also tells me that you probably have a small dick, and are trying to compensate by being some over masculine asshole. Gross.

Similar Goals

I am a very goal oriented and ambition driven person. Since I was about 6 years old my mom has been asking me what I wanted to do with my life. Yeah, I know I’m only 25 and should be having “fun”. But to me, being in debt and floating through life is not fun. The decisions I make now at 25 determine what my life will be like at 40. I’ll actually be 26 at the end of the year, so I’m pretty close to 30. I know way too many people who are still having fun and are pushing 30 with no life goals or financial savings. Sure my parents help me out with certain things, but I pay 90% of my bills. Regardless of money, I need someone who also wants to push boundaries to further their career. I don’t see myself staying in some 9-5 job my entire life. I hope to be able to start my own brand (a la Elite Urbanite) and eventually have my own event planning company, because it’s always been a passion of mine. I’m all for being someones support system, but I’m not going to be someone’s mommy either. I don’t have enough drive for the both of us.

The Conversation Flows

I can literally talk about everything. I meaaaaan you can’t start a blog without having some sort of vast knowledge of a bunch of random shit going on in the world. So here we are! I absolutely HATE when I have to keep the conversation going or think of things to talk about. Talking to someone you want to date shouldn’t feel like a task. If talking to that person for 3 hours feel like 10 minutes, they’re definitely the right one. I am a bit of a “Chatty Kathy” (again, why I started a blog), so I’ve felt as though I was annoying guys by talking about serious issues like politics and culture, or even fun things like music, memes, and tv shows. But if you aren’t able to talk about anything and everything, how do you expect to *possibly* spend the rest of your life with this person???

They Give You Space

Lastly, and probably most importantly… they give you spaaaace. Dating during this quarantine is somewhat easier because we’re forced to give one another space and are actually able to get to know one another! As I mentioned before, we are HUMAN. Sometimes we like to be alone, I know I certainly do. It’s nice having someone to chat with during quarantine of course, but in person I don’t expect to see someone every single day. Once the world opens back up there will be so many different aspects of our lives that’ll change, one of those things will be returning back to work. After a long exhausting day of work I do not expect my partner to want to spend hours with me. That’s literally what the weekends are for. Sure a mid week date night is always fun, but eventually spending time will feel draining and like something we don’t even want to do. Even when it comes to friendships and extracurricular things. If I feel like having a weekend with my girls, I would expect my partner not to have any issues with that and vice versa. As someone who enjoys a bit of alone time, I would be thrilled to hear my partner is spending the day playing golf with his boys.

Slow & Steady Wins the Race

Slow & Steady Wins the Race

So many of us thought that when we met the “love of our life” we would just know. Just like a movie, we were made to think that the clouds would part, birds would chirp, and harps would play in the distance. Unless you have two evil step sisters and a fairy god mother, this isn’t real life!

I have a hard time dating. At this point I can predict what will happen each time I meet someone. I can break down the play-by-play better than John Madden. First I’ll meet the guy, sometimes I’ll meet them through a friend or on a dating app. They are beyond eager to meet and are blown away by my electric personality and want to know everything about me (yes, I’m hyping myself up because SOMEBODY has to). Of course, me being a human, I get excited! I think maybe this one is going to work out. We finally hang out one on one… we get along great! Feels like we’ve known each other for years. Then 24 hours later comes “The Freakout”. They text me out of the blue saying they’re going through too much or not in a place to date blah blah blah, a bunch of bullshit. Even weirder, they still keep in contact or want to keep hanging out.

One guy who was a disaster of a human called me an hour after hanging out saying he wasn’t looking for a relationship. Yeah pal, neither was I… especially not with YOU. Plus a possible relationship was never even brought up in the first place. It was just two people hanging out. What was confusing to me, was that even though he didn’t want a relationship… he still wanted me to go see a movie and get dinner with him. You know, like what couples do. We even hung out and watched movies at his place. Only for him to freak out again, and yet still ask if we could still be friends… NO!?!? Honestly, I’m perfectly fine just chilling with someone without labels (I’m a busy lady!), but NOT when they’re constantly overthinking the situation. I don’t have time for indecisiveness. You’re a grown ass man.

Another guy I went on a date with, we went to a local bar had an awesome time filled with plenty of laughter. I asked him if he wanted to keep hanging out and watch a movie. And that’s exactly what we did… watch a movie! There was no pressure, I thought it was perfect. Apparently us cuddling on a DATE was too overwhelming for him. Before he even got home he texted me saying he was going through a lot and was embarrassed that he didn’t make any further moves, and went on this weird tangent saying he didn’t have intimacy issues and that he was just nervous. I reminded him we did exactly what we planned to do… hangout and watch a movie… so I wasn’t exactly sure what the freak out was for. To be honest, he was going through a lot. He had just moved here from Canada and was in grad school for architecture, which he wasn’t exactly doing well in. I get it, we all have drama. But what I DON’T like is when people ghost. Don’t be a f*cking pussy. If you can move to a whole new country, you should also have the balls to tell someone you need time to yourself. Because he assumed I wouldn’t be able to understand, he’d rather not communicate at all. Which is stupid.

Before the pandemic reached it’s full course. I had another movie date night! *rolls eyes* I should’ve known this dude was going to suck when Ozzy kept trying to sit in the middle of us. The date itself went well, we texted for a little while after. But then I stopped hearing from him. When I eventually confronted him to ask for an answer, said he didn’t feel a “spark”. First of all as I said before, that’s not a real fucking thing. Second of all, this guy was full of shit and kept trying to get me to hook up with him. He felt a spark alright… right in his damn pants.

Most recently I went on a date with a guy who on paper seemed perfect for me. We had the same taste in music, same goals in life, similar family background, same interests in documentaries and human rights. But in person, he was just as insecure as all the ones before. Nevertheless, I still thought the date went well, he even asked me to send him the playlist we had been vibing out to, and even asked if we could hang out again to which I agreed. Even though I had a good time… all I kept thinking to myself was “aaaand here comes the freakout!” Like clockwork the next day I get a long text saying that he isn’t in a place to get into a relationship at the moment but would love to keep hanging out one on one and being friends. He even asked if we could go on a hike when he is back in town. SIR! That IS dating.

I’m honestly still trying to comprehend how the fuck that’s any different from “getting to know someone”. And therein lies the issue. SO many people think that from the moment you meet someone, you’re supposed to be blown away, have some come to Jesus moment, and think “I have to marry this person NOW!” That’s not the case. Some of y’all need to stop watching so many movies. Relationships that are rushed and constantly under pressure are doomed from the start. I know someone that is basically living with someone THREE WEEKS after meeting them. She has already met his family… after WEEKS! Because they are a friend, I hope it lasts. But it’s impossible to keep up with that momentum. Also, for me personally, there is so much more I need to know about a person before just jumping into something. I’ve seen way too many True Crime series, I know how that shit ends!!!

Murderers aside, it’s important to know someone on a deeper level before making that full commitment. If you have a good time with someone, there’s nothing wrong with continuing to hang out without a title until you’re 100% sure. So many of my closest friends are in long term relationships with people they probably hadn’t seem themselves with. Not because they didn’t have similar interests, but because they started out just as friends. Some of them had been friends for years before realizing they liked one another. When I asked them all for advice they all gave the same two statements, “the best relationships are made from friendships” and “slow and steady wins the race.”

Oddly enough the two people I’ve known my entire life gave me the same advice… yep, you guessed it, my mom and dad! My mom was not feeling my dad with his trench coat and blond highlight when they first met. I mean girl, I don’t blame you LOL. They had known of each other for years through my uncle, but it was more of a passing friendship. My mom told me when they first started talking, they developed a good friendship first. They would talk on the phone everyday, and got to know each other over time. My great grandma would always say to my mom “Danielle! That boy with the raspy voice is on the phone for you again!” A few years later she ended up marrying that boy with the raspy voice, and in July they celebrated 27 years of marriage!

To be fair, I’ve definitely dodged some bullets with these guys. Sure, I understand that sometimes there simply just isn’t an attraction. Unfortunately that’s something you can’t change. People like what they like! However, when someone says they had a great time, are attracted to me, AND want to keep hanging out… it doesn’t exactly make sense to me. Yes, I know that I can come across very sure of myself and self-aware (well, because I am!), but often times I’m just as nervous and anxious as the next person. One would think being self-aware is a positive attribute, but when it comes to dating it’s more of a crutch. I’ve come to realize that this is what causes “The Freakout”. I wish rather than immediately jump to conclusions, these guys would take the time to know me beyond the surface. Yes I’m serious about my career and goals, but I’m in no rush to get into some whirlwind romance. Hopefully one day someone takes a chance on me and realizes that in fact, slow and steady does indeed win the race.

The Problem with the “Cool Girl”

The problem with the cool girl

If you’ve seen Gone Girl, Amy’s only sane moment in the entire film is when she completely destroys the “cool girl” trope. Guys consider this is a compliment but it really isn’t. She’s not like other girls, she’s a cool girl. I hear this sh*t all the time. What they don’t realize is that the “cool girl” is actually something guys have fantasized for years. Men like the “idea” of the cool girl, but not who the “cool girl” actually is as an individual.

Guys want a girl who’s fun loving, easy going, calm, cool, and collected. That is, until we open up our mouths. We’re supposed to be raunchy and tough, just like one of the guys all without actually speaking our mind. To be honest I actually do love eating burgers, going to baseball games, and cursing like a sailor; it’s who I’ve always been. But I also have no problem being vocal or direct when it comes to things I’m passionate about. And that is the major problem with being the “cool girl”. Men think calling a woman “cool” is a compliment, and I used to view it as such. But as soon as we “cool girls” show signs of being our own person, it becomes a problem.

Movies like Transformers and There’s Something About Mary are the good examples of how men view this stereotype. In Transformers, everyone was shocked that Megan Fox’s character was a car expert just because she was so ~hot~ it was somehow unfathomable that someone that looked like her could possibly know ANYTHING about cars, therefore making her “not like the other girls”. Even Cameron Diaz’s character in There’s Something About Mary had men falling over her and competing for her love because she was so different. The “something” about Mary was that she just liked to chow down on burgers, drink beers, play golf, and watch sports. Which is actually kind of normal. This stereotype is even shown in television shows like That 70’s Show and How I Met Your Mother. What Donna Pinciotti and Robin Scherbatsky have in common is that they’re always down for a good time and are both sexually liberated women. But at the same time, they don’t feel comfortable opening up about their feelings in order to avoid seeming weak or like the typical girly girl.

Many women see this stereotype played out on screen, and try to emulate it because they think this will win men over. Just like Amy said in the movie (and above clip), the cool girl eventually becomes an act. Jennifer Lawrence for example, loved to play along with this character in order to seem relatable to male and female friends. On every red carpet J-Law would talk about eating pizza, chugging beers, and being one of the guys. It eventually felt like we were watching a performance each time she was being interviewed, because we never got to know who the real Jennifer was. Obviously there’s more to her than eating junk food and being clumsy, so her schtick got old pretty quickly.

Men think putting women in this category is empowering, but honestly it’s the opposite. As soon as the cool girl speaks her mind, she’s made out to be the aggressive girl. Jane Fonda was considered a cool girl in her heyday. But once she started to become more committed to her activism, she was criticized for being too intense. In movies and television, the cool girl is often used to show a stark comparison to the uptight girl, or even the girly girl. Tough girl Donna from That 70’s show, who loved sports and weed is the exact opposite of girly girl Jackie who loved money, shopping, and make up.

This is something I experience all the time. I often feel trapped by this “cool girl” stereotype. Yes, I do love going to the local dive bar to order a burger, fries, and a sangria (in fact I plan on ordering a burger tonight as my Friday night cheat meal!). I even love going to watch the Laker game, or see the Yankees play when they’re in town. I’ve never been a girly girl it’s just not me, I am however much more than the “cool girl”. What often gets misconstrued is that the cool girl is supposed to be everything but vocal. We’re supposed to exhibit this passive attitude towards men. We’re not supposed to care what they do, and they assume we’ll just brush any glaring issues off and keep it moving. Don’t worry, she won’t care if I stay out all night… she’s cool!

I’m often afraid to speak up, because I don’t want to always be seen as the “intense girl”. But what these guys don’t realize is that the “intense” girl and the “cool girl” are often the same person. Because it’s in my nature, I often do end up voicing my opinions, but it’s done with sense of dread looming in the back of my mind because I know I’ll go from “cool girl” to “aggressive girl” in the blink of an eye.

Guys love to hear that a girl has similar interests, but what they don’t like is when that same girl shows any signs of ambition or individualism, because then we are seen as a threat. The “cool girl” is both an idea and an ideal. There’s nothing wrong with hanging with the guys, heck I do it all the time! But once you start to lean into it too much and lose your true identity, it becomes an issue. I’ve been somewhat of a “tomboy” my whole life, but I’ve also remained my individuality. The “cool girl” stereotype isn’t necessarily a negative thing, the definition is just greatly flawed. If men really want to date the “cool girl”, they need to accept her for who she really is and not for who they want her to be.

Ditch Your Fake Friends


“You in danger girl” – The Queen, Whoopi Goldberg

Just because that person is always around you, doesn’t mean they’re really your friend. Sure they may like to party with you and tell you alllll about their so-called problems, but do they even know your middle name?

People are quick to call others their “friends”, when they really aren’t deserving of that title. Even I’ve been guilty of that. Often time people are motivated to be someone’s friend not because they seem like a good person, but because they have something to offer them. I’m often referred to as standoffish because I am so hyper aware of this. So often people will try to use me or my family because of what we have access to (especially here in LA). Sure, I can surround myself with leeches, but I’d rather use my energy to nurture real friendships than surround myself with people who don’t have my best interest at heart. Still don’t understand? I’ll give you a few examples.

When my brother was involved in an auto accident, which was in no way shape or form his fault, only one friend came to visit him. Just ONE out of his “group” of friends. These same friends who he would allow to help on different projects and to be a part of his life said that it was “karma” that the situation occurred. Disgusting. (They can still see these hands). Another person I know constantly discredited the co workers I would hang out with, saying I could “do better”. Apparently their version of better means doing drugs, sleeping around for clout, and being used as an ATM machine for their “friends”. To each their own I guess… These “friends” don’t care what happens to you once they’ve gotten what they want. Even more so, if they don’t get what they want or you decide to stop allowing them to use you, they feel as though there is hell to pay and want to seek revenge.

I’ve actually met my closest friends as a result of being around these fake friends. So I feel as though maybe that’s the reason they were brought into my life, and not to make some sort of long lasting friendship.

I met one of my best friends ten years ago working at a summer camp, ironically I applied for the job with someone who I thought was my best friend at the time. About three years ago, I went out for halloween with someone who I thought was a close friend at the time. She left me for some guy in the club, and the group we came with all went home early. One person stayed with me until I reconnected with my “friend” hours later. I haven’t spoken to club girl in years, but the girl who stayed with me that night is one of my most genuine friends. Someone else I was friends with, would constantly demean my interests, which didn’t always align with theirs. One day I knocked on the door to introduce myself to her new roommate who had just transferred, and we’ve been friends ever since. We have so much in common, we’re like the same person! And finally, I was friends with someone who was never there for me like I was for them. That person eventually became envious of the fact that I began to hang out with “her” friends. One of the main people she was most infatuated with, has become a great friend of mine despite all the bullsh** that other person caused. Oddly enough, I have more in common with him than I do with the person who I considered my “friend”.

That being said, people come into our lives for different reasons. Sometimes they’re there to teach a lesson, or they can even serve as a gateway and bring a good person into your life. What’s most important is that you realize who’s really there for you and who has your best interest at heart. So once more I digress, ditch those fake friends… because they don’t give a sh*t about you.

Is Monogamy Dead?


Well I certainly hope not! But it sure seems like it is.

I don’t really get out much. Before the pandemic I was always working and then was busy trying to keep my life together on the weekends. As a result of that, online dating has been my only option. Throughout the years I’ve been on some dates here and there, but nothing serious has ever come out it. Sure I’ll admit some situations were due to me putting the pressure on people, but honestly it was just me asking for the respect I deserve. For some reason, all of these guys think they can have their cake and eat it too, and I’m at my wits end.

Just this week I’ve seen four profiles saying they were in open relationships, and TBH that’ll never be an option for me. Since I was a child, I’ve dreamed of having a relationship like my parents. Throughout their 27 years of marriage they’ve supported one another through the good and bad. They met through my uncle (my mom’s brother) and dated for 2 years prior to getting married. Yes, I know times are ~different~ but this has always been my standard for my entire life, so I don’t plan on changing it.

At the same time, these guys need to give me something to work with! People don’t want to settle down, but expect you to change or compromise (for their benefit) and do “wifey-esque” things. NO. People want to be married and legally commit themselves to one person, but then want to be on dating apps trying to f*ck the hottest thing they can get… as well as their wife. NOPE!

I’m all for people expressing love in their own way, but it seems like everyone’s doing everything but committing themselves to one person. And let’s be real, I definitely am not interested in becoming someone’s side piece. Ever. Monogamy to me, means having a life partner. But because people think the grass is greener on the other side, the concept of “monogamy” has been seriously skewed. One of the excuses I’ve heard, is that people don’t want to sleep with one person for the rest of their lives. YAWN. Life isn’t just about sex, but because of what we see in the media people think it is. It seem’s like people’s goal is just to get the most notches on their belt. Eventually that chase gets old and it’s in our nature to want to settle down with one single person. Penguins do it, seahorses do it, heck even vultures do it.

Don’t get me wrong though I envision marriage in my future, but I’m still pretty young. I have time before I find “the one”. Truthfully, I’m not even interested in having some huge spectacle of a wedding. I just want to find someone who loves me for me, and wants to build a future with just me without any question. These days I only see that very far and few in between. Though it seems like monogamy is dead, I truly hope there’s someone out there who still believes in it as much as I do.

Interracial Relationships in a Time of Racial Tension

Interracial Relationships in a Time of Racial Tension

For many people, seeing interracial relationships is the norm. We see it on television, in movies, and even on the street. You may even be in one yourself or be the product of one. The issue of racism doesn’t often come up within these relationships because one would assume (and hope) their partner isn’t a racist. But with the state of the world, being silent isn’t an option.

I am a product of my environment. White boys were pretty much the only option I had for a long time, so some interracial entanglements were inevitable. However, the environment I grew up in was not accepting of it. I will admit, I was nervous to tell my black parents that I liked a white boy which is so crazy to say. But my parents are normal and forward thinking people who didn’t even bat an eye. They did explain to me though, that dating outside of my race would be a bit harder for me especially at the particular private school I went to.

I never found dating outside my race an issue. I hate to sound cliche, but people are people. I would never dislike someone based on their race, but at the same time I shouldn’t just like someone because they are the same race as I am. If I vibe with someone that’s all that matters, you should be with whoever you’re happy with and share common interests with. For me, often times that ends up being someone of another race.

That being said, it’s important that your partner understand your culture’s history. When you decide to date outside your race that comes along with the relationship. No exceptions. As a young black woman, I could not date someone who does not understand why we are fighting for equal rights and better treatment, and I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable speaking on issues either.

Many black celebrities with white significant others have spoken on a few important aspects of being in an interracial relationship during these times. Actress Tika Sumpter recently tweeted, “Dear Black interracial couples with a significant other who is white (raises hand), we DO NOT need to protect them. I promise, they will be A. OK. They need to continue to fight for us. If they get offended when you talk about racists. You have a bigger problem on your hands.”

Even Shaun T, of Insanity fame, described a moment where his son was playing “police officer” with his dads. His husband, who is white, did not see any issue with the game, but Shaun realized his son now knew what a police officer was and that soon they would need to discuss the treatment of black people by the police.

I try my best to educate myself on the issues going on in communities other than my own, and I would hope whomever I chose to date has the same respect. I do not need to spare someone’s sensitivity at the risk of “hurting their feelings”. It’s sad that some women will silence themselves or turn a blind eye to comments their partner made, just to stay in said relationships.

After a while, I knew none of the boys in my town would be bold to bring a black woman home to their parents. I even met a girl who kept her black boyfriend a secret for 3 years from her Persian parents (no idea what ever happened with that one). I’m content knowing that I never subjected myself to that just to be in a relationship.

If you are not open to having tough conversations about racial injustice, you are not someone who should be dating outside of your race. If you are someone who gaslights their partner or acts as if racial injustices isn’t a factor in your relationship, you are someone who likes the idea of being with a man/woman of color. Being in an interracial relationship means that you are supportive of both your partner and the adversities they encounter, because it is now a part of your life as well. If you can’t handle that being a part of your everyday life or bother to educate yourself, then you need to re-evaluate things, because silence is not an option when your BIPOC partner is suffering.

When Disaster Strikes: Dating During a Pandemic

When Disaster Strikes: Dating During a Pandemic

Dating is wild. But if you think about it, trying to find the person you want to spend every day of the rest of your life with should probably come with some difficulties. Between trying to keep up with the numerous apps and the toxicity of faking a healthy relationship, it can be pretty exhausting. Add in a global pandemic… and welp you’ve got a bit of a mess on your hands.

In the past few months I’ve seen so many relationships grow stronger… and many fall apart. There have been engagements, weddings, and even pregnancies! Which is beautiful during a time when the world is so dark. But, there have also been divorces, breakups, and worse. So where does that leave us single-but-actively-looking folks?

I’m a firm believer in love, my parents have been married for 27 years and have always wanted that for myself. But I also believe in not dying. So until this sh*t is over, the apps will have to do. Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying my single time and am very grateful to be living alone. However I would like to find my forever person, and that won’t happen by sitting on my couch binging X-Files. The problem is, I find it very difficult to fall for someone over the phone.

With everything going on in the world, honestly the last thing I’m worried about is checking my Hinge messages. No disrespect to any of my matches, it’s just really not my focus right now. Many of the apps are suggesting having a first date via video, which is a great alternative. I barely want to Facetime my family, the chances of me Facetiming a random guy from a dating app are slim to none.

So what does this mean for the future of millennial dating? A generation that is known to lack the capability to commit, and sadly enjoys a random hookup (or five), could be changing for the better. There could be more time getting to know one another by just talking, rather than skipping right to the bedroom. Maybe relationships will now take the time to grow into something great, rather than rush into things and ignore red flags just for the sake of being in a relationship. Though I find the apps exhaustive, If I find someone who isn’t trying to force me to meet a random stranger in the middle of a pandemic, I’ll be more open to the process. Until then, I guess we will have to see what the future holds!