Looks Better on Paper


Y’all. I’ve been trying, I really have… but the dudes on these dating apps have too much time to be fucking crazy and not enough time to get diagnosed by a therapist. For a while I used to think, maybe it’s me? Maybe I could change my approach? Well goddamn it I have tried it ALL. Hinge, Tinder, Match, Bumble, I’ve tried em all. For the most part, I’m pretty lucky though because I haven’t necessarily had too many crazy “dating” stories. As a matter of fact, my friend was just telling me how she had to LITERALLY run away from a guy on a date. Luckily she’s now happily engaged, so yay! Another friend of mine got a message on Instagram from someone she matched with on bumble a few months prior saying how she was in an abusive relationship with someone and that they lied to the cops about the whole thing to avoid getting in trouble. The gag is, she and my friend never met in person… I mean… can you say weird? I recently just updated my tinder bio to say “a lot of you aren’t quirky… you’re simply just undiagnosed”. Because it’s true, men need fucking therapy and need to stop using their lack of human functionality as ~personality traits~

You know, to be honest, I’ve been rejected quite a lot by people who were not on my level (let’s be real, they weren’t. I know my worth). I’ve even had these white dudes attempt to fetishize me on these apps, at this point I laugh it off, only after telling them to fuck off and blocking them of course. But I feel like after my past experience these 4 months, I’ve reached a breaking point. I thought I found a guy who was exactly what I was looking for, turns out… he was WAY better on paper than he was in real life. Buckle up bitches, this is only the beginning of the saga…!

So I’ve been on and off these dating apps since god knows how long. Years. Eons. Decades!!! Kidding, kidding. When the lockdown hit I figured hey why not see who’s sitting at home lonely and single just like little ol’ me! Turns out, a bunch of goddamn weirdos! I went on two socially distanced dates, and have talked to about 100 guys at this point. Then suddenly one September afternoon I saw a super cute guy from Hermosa Beach on tinder who was… 5,265 miles away? For some reason my stupid brain told me not to trust my better judgement and I swiped right. As my girl Julia Roberts would say… BIG MISTAKE… HUGE! Once we started talking, I learned that his company had planned on moving him out here to extend their business to the United States. I probably should’ve taken me falling and nearly breaking my knee cap, my dog refusing to eat, and getting stuck in a Trump Parade on the way home from getting a new tattoo in ALL IN ONE DAY as signs to STEER CLEAR. But as I said my brain be on that dumb shit sometimes.

Ironically, this is not the first time a girl has written a blog post about how shitty this guy is (we’ll get into that a bit later), and I’m sure it won’t be the last. At first he was super cool, talked about common interests, super chatty (something I usually don’t like, but hey we’re in lockdown why not!) Turns out this was just the first sign of his narcissism. This is what a narcissist does. They come off super charming, tell you everything you want to hear, give you tons of gifts, compliments, a sense of approval… then BOOM ASSHOLE ALERT! I mean when it comes to dating, you would think someone would be doing these things to be genuine, but instead this is the first step of their attempt at manipulation and control. One of the first things I do at this point on the apps is ask them when their last relationship was. When Fluke Hoggs (that’s what we’re gonna call him, because that’s what my 4 months of chatting with him was, a fucking Fluke) told me in September that his last relationship was in March I was a little worried. He then went into his opinions of his ex and why they didn’t work out. He mentioned how much money he spent on her, and how he would have to listen to her problems… you know… like that thing that starts with a B and ends with OYFRIEND should be doing. He even tried to say she “cheated” but turns out, they weren’t even official at the time. So uh, homegirl was still on the market and allowed to do what she wanted! PERIODT. Coincidentally, the things he claimed she would complain about with him, I too eventually complained about. But of course when you ask a narcissist for things like communication and a sense of caring and understanding it comes off as “demanding” or “needy”. Give me a fucking break you cyborg. I, not knowing really either party too well, all I could do is take his word for it. Until I did a little digging and found out who she was (sorry girl). Honestly she looked normal to me, and someone I actually wanted to be friends with! She looks like a fun loving and hard working girl, and clearly she’s clearly got 100 times more personality than his drab ass has in his left pinky toe. But I digress. He also casually mentioned he had a “stalker”. Which of course, my reaction was huh? Not something you casually drop on someone. When I asked for more details, he said that it was a different girl he took out on a date from his job. They “hung out”, whatever that means these days, and then for some reason she cursed him out and her friends would even call his phone cursing him out. I mean… someone doesn’t just get treated that way for “nothing”. He even said she wrote a post on her own blog about him and his shitty ways. Something I’d actually love to read one day. And being that he ended up being a pathological liar, I’m sure way more than “hanging out” happened that night. But again, stupid brain said “Girl ignore it, live your life!”

BECAUSEEEE I’ve been on these apps for so long, I thought to myself “wow okay, he’s got a great job. He’s tall. We’ve got similar interests. And he’s kind. PERFECT!” I assumed his affection was all genuine. Turns out he was “lovebombing” me, a common tactic used by narcissists. They flood you with affection and attention in order for you to let your guard down and trust them. As I said, I’m not really great at dating so I figured why not accept the affection and let my guard down a bit. Another huge mistake. Because once a narcissist sees your guard is down, they think they’ve got you wrapped around your finger. I presume he took me being drained from a worldwide pandemic as “weak”, but honestly I just wanted someone to chat with besides my dog (sorry Oz). In fact, I couldn’t be more opposite. I am probably the textbook definition of “strong independent woman”. And damn it I’m proud of it! At a certain point I would mention that I needed space, but I was never granted that. Because after me voicing my needs, 5 minutes later he texted me saying he couldn’t NOT wait until tomorrow to talk to me… like okay go watch a fucking movie or something bro.

Though the compliments are nice, I eventually wanted something more than someone telling me how “pretty” I am or how “cool” I am or what lavish trips he wanted to take me on. Even after me constantly saying I didn’t really care about that. I want someone who cares about me and my feelings, or someone who asks about my day or my goals in life. Because I have so many! I want to continue my career in television and develop Elite Urbanite to the brand I want it to be. But again, a narcissist doesn’t care. Because to them, you’re the secondary or supporting character in this narrative. So once I began to speak up on my needs, the arguments ensued. One particularly ridiculous situation was when I looked at his friends IG story. First off, this “friend” was just someone he met on tinder that didn’t work out romantically, they never met IRL. Meanwhile I’m FaceTiming Fluke everyday, this chick knows who I am, I looked at maybe two stories then she wants to sound the alarm and wants to somehow correlate her anxiety with me looking at her profile. Girl, tell that to all those very obvious thirst traps you have on your page. Your 36 year old ass needs to go play with the grown ups. But of course, a narcissist with no empathy isn’t going to understand that her behavior (running to him and talking about me, someone she’s never met) is inappropriate and completely unnecessary. If she really wanted to be my “friend” like she said to him, why not just add me when you recognize the name? The part that was really uncool to me, was that he believed this random ass woman over me and tried to make me appear as the villian in the situation. I mean its fucking instagram… everyone “stalks” each other. Especially if your profile is OPEN.

Once we got past that I still continued to voice that my needs weren’t exactly being met, and that he suddenly was being a bit “unemotional” (thank you to his ex who used this spot on description because, whew). All I simply asked for was proper communication. For example, let me know when you need space so I can do the same. Let me know if this isn’t working for you so I can move on. Ironically, his brother seems to have a very happy and humble life with his wife and newborn son. But for some reason he would continue to bring up how much better his job was over his brothers, and how his sister in law was the real bread winner. He would even talk about how his parents weren’t the brightest, and how he doesn’t feel he needs to listen to them because they’re “Blue Collar”. Sheesh. I mean listen, not to brag, but I come from a relatively wealthy family and made somewhat of a career in television myself so… money isn’t really something I care about. Money is nice, but it doesn’t make you a good person. As we see here. I also thought it was a red flag that I, someone he never met, knew more about his past relationship than anyone in his fucking family… like what? It was strange for him to seem to close to his family, only to never tell them anything about his personal life and dating experiences? Or seek out advice? But ah yes, there it is again, another narcissistic trait. A sense of entitlement. He doesn’t feel he needs anyone else’s advice because a narcissist is “always right”. Several red flags were raised, but truthfully I didn’t think much of it because I wasn’t officially dating this person, it was just someone I had casually been chatting with everyday for a couple of months.

Around late November/early December I noticed his behavior began to change. To which again, I said if you’re not interested in this anymore feel free to let me know. I said, and I quote “I can’t be mad at you for not being interested in me anymore, I can only be mad about you not being honest with me.” He constantly lied and credited his sudden distance to “stress”. For background, he was promoted to a VP position at his company in order to help get the US branch up and running. Funny thing is, when I made a comment about work around that time… he apparently had been demoted to manager for over a month… something he “asked” for. Sir nobody asks to be demoted in a pandemic, knock it off. Unfortunately that wasn’t his only lie.

When I asked if he was speaking to other people he continued to assure me he wasn’t, and that dating was just something not in the cards for him right now. Between moving to the U.S. and trying to start up a new branch, I totally understood. He said he didn’t have the time or energy to date with all the stress from work. Regardless, we agreed to take it slow/keep it friendly for the time being until he got settled here in LA. Between losing both my job and my sanity during this lockdown, taking it slow worked pretty well for me too. If someone’s cool and we have a lot in common, why not see what the future may hold. Until his behavior began to get more and more suspicious. To which I said, I’m not sure if you’re speaking to other people or just not interested, but I’m tired of trying to figure out what this is. Which of course again turned into another argument filled with plenty of gaslighting. The first time I said I wanted to stop communication, he claimed I was trying to get rid of him. Which if we never met why should it matter? All this was, was a narcissist realizing he had began to lose control, and Fluke realizing that I wasn’t that weak person he thought I was. Sure, I’m laid back and unproblematic, but I don’t take kindly to bullshit. But again, stupid brain said why not keep it friendly. And with that, I expected him to flat out tell me he was no longer interested, I would joke about it and ask whether or not he was doing so, only to be told I was “demanding answers out of him” and “pushing a false idea”. This is the exact definition of gaslighting.

I had confronted him a second time and he finally admitted he had lost interest which is fine. Until he said he had lost interest over A MONTH AGO. Huh??? I thought it was very bizarre for someone I don’t know to continue to chat with me like there was a possibility of us getting together when he moved here. But when I said I assumed the reason was because he was talking to other girls, I was still made to seem as though I was “crazy” and “making things up”.

Because I am a top tier instagram spy, I found out that all that shit was a LIE. He had been talking to some hoe who shakes ass on IG for free and can barely form a fucking sentence. If that’s what you want buddy, go ahead, that’ll never be me. I don’t care that it didn’t work out, I’m pissed that I was RIGHT and that a man (actually a “boy” tbh) I have never met was so manipulative that he felt the need to lead me on and string me along for months, while still talking to other girls. Like what was the point other than being a manipulative dickhead? We don’t know one another, this could’ve been a clear and easy ending by saying “You’re great, but I’m not interested”. So, one day I woke up feeling petty and took matters into my own hands because nobody plays Tiffani.

About a week or two prior to the final fall out, I saw this hoe had added him on IG and liked almost EVERY picture of his. I mean… it was clear. Also to be fair, I have no issue with a little hoe activity once in a while. We all have our phases. But putting it on the internet for the male gaze and not doing it to empower yourself is completely different. Back to the story. So I kept an eye on her profile and mentioned it to my friends. I told my mom too, but she doesn’t really get social media and saw nothing wrong with it (love ya mom). There were actually a few girls I didn’t particularly trust on his page, but you know, that wasn’t my business… until it was. So one day I check the profile and see that she’s dancing around in a tied up shirt and a pair of panties (again, for free) to California Girls by Katy Perry with the caption “oh he’s so luckyy”. LOL stupid, but also I knew I finally figured this whole mess out. I mean why else would a girl FROM Los Angeles be singing this song unless it was for someone not from California? BINGO! Soooo, “my friend” messaged her and said “is ‘he’ Fluke?”. And because she is not the brightest tool in the shed, she said “how did you know?” Now this is something I’ve never done before and never will because I simply don’t have the energy. But Fluke needed a taste of his own fucking medicine and I did just that.

She wasn’t receptive at first to the receipts I showed her, I presume because she simply does not know how to read. Which is okay, some of us are a little slower to learn than others. But eventually she realized that he had been talking to us both at the same time, and lying about it. When I unblocked his number I didn’t have much to say, but I did let him know that I wasn’t fucking stupid and that I will find out the truth EVERY TIME. I also let him know that it was time for him to stop playing victim and using that “nice guy card”, because he’s NOT a nice guy. He is a narcissist who sells women on fantasies for his own personal gain. However, I’m not the one to fuck with. In true narcissist fashion, he didn’t take blame for anything he had done and tried to diminish my character. Bitch I survived 2020, you can’t hurt me! He even tried to say everything I told this girl was a lie (even though I have receipts) and that I was harassing people, which again nope. Just calling assholes out on their bullshit… all in a days work. He said he did nothing wrong by leading me on for months and blatantly lying about whether or not he was pursuing something else with someone else. He even said we were BOTH to blame because I “didn’t take a hint”. Maybe if he learned to properly communicate and say it with his chest like a MAN there wouldn’t be any issues. The difference is, that he can communicate, he just doesn’t want to communicate.

I’m not sure what did/or will become of him and “OnlyFree” (get it, like OnlyFans? But for free? I crack myself up… or maybe it’s just the Prosecco.. anyway LOL) but I totally get why he is drawn to someone like her. Her only purpose in life seems to be being taken care of and to be seen as a sexual object. Which is sad. She’s not ugly at all. I was even nice to her and said she wasn’t at fault for anything. I just simply was warning her about how this guy is lying to both of us and that he is manipulative toward black women specifically. I do know she read what I sent her, and thanked me for sending it her way. The following day she posted another weird dancing video (my friend hilariously said she dances like the batteries are dying) with some song called “Dead Man Walking”, so that’s kinda funny. Fluke knows he can have control over her because she essentially has nothing to offer besides her body. No thoughts, just vibes. As the kids say these days. So him and his money and stupid expensive jeans that he wouldn’t shut up about, are a huge catch to someone like her.

I’m sure she, who clearly has nothing but hood niggas on her profile, knows a ton about Nirvana and loves a good round of darts at the local pub… sike! While I don’t know the “stalker” at all, and I don’t know the ex personally, I can assure you that these were both women who went through very similar experiences to myself. Though it may sound like I’m bitter, I’m really not. Sometimes my dark sense of humor slips out and I can’t bring it back. Honestly, I just fucking hate liars and am tired of men labeling women as “crazy” when they’re the ones running around negatively effecting people with their undiagnosed mental illnesses. In 2021, I need men to seek therapy because I think I can speak for all women when I say we are tired of y’all’s fucking bullshit. Granted, I get people do have experiences with “crazy” exes, but when EVERY SINGLE ONE is crazy?… That’s a reflection on YOU and the way you treat people. I hope that the other two women I mentioned are much happier in their lives and have moved on to find someone who truly cares about them, because that’s what they deserve. And I hope this new girl finds a pair of pants soon because it’s getting pretty cold out here in LA. Though every girl would love to find a guy with a great job, who’s tall, who’s kind, and who can spoil them, it turns out that guys like that are WAY better on paper than they are in reality. Assholes like Fluke see these all as tools to control women to boost their own ego. I know personally I have things to work on, I can be aggressive and stuck in my New York ways, and when I meet the right Mr. Right I will do my best to make that relationship work for both parties. But as I’ve mentioned, Elite Urbanite is about empowering women, and if that means calling out narcissists in my free time, so be it. Until then, we’re stepping on necks all of 2021.

Happy New Year Bitches xx

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