Look Out for Green Flags!
When getting to know someone, we find ourselves feverishly trying to read between the lines and point out red flags. Sometimes we’re too busy trying to find out what someone’s flaws are, that we ignore all of the GOOD qualities they have to offer. I like to call these GREEN flags!
The dating world is such shit these days, so I don’t really blame people for focusing on the red flags. People are crazy and don’t know how to develop long lasting relationships. I’m pretty guilty of often ignoring red flags, all because I’m hopeful that someone will change. But honestly these people DON’T want to change. They want to find someone who will change to fit their expectations, which most of the time are unrealistic. Once I remove myself from these situations I see just how toxic these mother fuckers were. For so long I’ve constantly experienced gaslighting and manipulation, when I really wasn’t asking for much out of the situation. If I can’t express my feelings without a guy getting mad, or having them blame me for the demise of a potential relationship, clearly they’re not the one. And they’re probably just a straight up asshole to everyone around them, mainly because nobody has called them out on their shit and told them to grow the hell up.
That being said, once you actually DO find someone who checks off all of the proverbial boxes, you find yourself trying to figure out what’s wrong with them. Nobody is completely flawless, but after a while we do find someone that is exactly who we need. Unfortunately due to past experiences, I find myself nitpicking every conversation and second guessing my own actions in order to not screw the situation up. When in reality, one difference of opinion or interest shouldn’t be enough for someone who really is interesting in developing something further. I’m training myself to pay more attention to and highlight these green flags rather than attempt to find some sort of negative attribute about someone who is everything I’ve asked for. Everyone has different needs in a relationship, but I’ve listed the 10 most important things to me when it comes to dating (in no particular order). Check it out below!
They always say communication is key, and it really is! I consider myself to be a great communicator, so I would encourage my partner to be the same way. If I said something that hurt my partner’s feelings or did something they didn’t particularly like, I would expect them to properly communicate this to me. I’m really not easily offended, but the way a message is conveyed is important. For instance, there is a difference between saying “you never listen to me!” and “I feel like I’m not being heard”. Truthfully no one can dispute with you about how YOU feel, all they can do is try to change their behavior and improve the situation. But if you present the situation as an attack, more than likely the issue won’t be resolved. So communication very is important on both ends!
I hate a fucking liar. Even when it comes to a little white lie. If you want to spend time with your boys or time alone, just say that. I don’t need some sort of made up excuse, because that makes me feel like I can’t trust you or that you don’t trust my reaction to situations. Of course if a guy lies about something major like cheating then all bets are off, but little things like not liking a certain interest of mine aren’t necessary to lie about. I would rather someone be authentic from the beginning rather than lie to appease me. If someone likes to stay home but forces themselves to constantly go out just because their partner likes it, they’re not being authentic to themselves and it will eventually be a major flaw in the relationship.
They Hype You Up
Now, I’m not someone who needs constant compliments and validation. But it is good to feel like you have someone in your corner rooting for you. I’m super close with my family, and they constantly hype me up. But at times it feels biased because, well, they’re my family! Though they’re pretty honest with me If I do fuck something up, it’s hard for me to receive their compliments because they’ve known me for 25 years and we share the same genes. It’s awesome to be able to meet someone who at one point was a complete stranger, actually want to see you succeed and do great things in life. In the past I’ve felt as though I had to dim myself down in order to not outshine my partner, which is so pathetic on both ends. If you don’t want to see your partner succeed you don’t deserve a partner. And I’m personally embarrassed that I tried to make myself appear as less in order to make some bum feel more. Someone who is that insecure is never going to suddenly gain a drastic boost of confidence, but they certainly will feel some sort of power when they realize they’ve halted someone else’s growth. And we ain’t letting that shit slide anymore!
Difference of Opinions
People are people! There are bound to be differences of opinions, we aren’t robots so we shouldn’t try to program ourselves to be the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend. I love staying active. I workout 6 times a week, I know that lifestyle isn’t for everyone but I’m not going to write someone off if they don’t like it. If someone loves horror movies or anime, I’m not going to write them off because it’s not something I’m interested in. I feel like with everything there is some sort of compromise, not in the sense that you are compromising yourself, but you are agreeing to come to an equal decision with someone you care about. If I workout 6 times a week, and my partner isn’t that active, maybe we could find some sort of shared workout to do together that we both enjoy. If I like the apartment to be 70 degrees, and they like it to be 80, it’s pretty easy to keep it cool at a nice equal 75 degrees. Don’t get me wrong, some things are total deal breakers. For instance, if you are a trump supporter, you can lose my number immediately. We’ll never agree on that. But I feel some people like to use their unshared interests as an excuse to end things or have some sort of leverage. It’s perfectly normal to have completely different interests, it actually keeps things interesting! (Yes pun, intended).
They Don’t Make You Feel Bad for Having Feelings
I know, it’s a bit of a mouthful. But it’s true. As women we already have a fear of expressing ourselves to avoid appearing overly emotional. So when it comes to a relationship, we think to ourselves “oh god, let me not make a big deal out of this so he doesn’t think I’m emotional or even worse, crazy”. I mean how fucked up is that? Some of these have made us feel like we can’t even express completely normal emotions. I mean I guess that’s why that show Snapped exists, totally kidding! But truthfully it’s unhealthy to bottle up your emotions, just to spare yourself an argument with your partner. If you can’t come to your partner and talk about something that’s bothering you or something you’re insecure about, kick that dude to the curb. I am guilty of saying “I’m sorry I feel that…” because so many guys in the past have made me feel as though my feelings were some sort of allergic reaction to their douchey behavior. Instead get yourself a partner who says there’s no reason to be sorry for feeling a particular way, especially if the emotions are valid.
Obviously your partner should have the utmost respect for you, that’s a given. But for me, it’s also important that they are respectful to those around him. I always like to ask what a guys relationship is with their mother. That often tells me all I need to know. For instance, if they spend time with their mom, communicate with her often, and help them when needed, clearly they have a great character and have been brought up well. My brother is super close to our mom, and because of this he treats his girlfriends with respect. (Some of the ones in the past definitely didn’t deserve it, but he has since learned his lesson and found a great gal!) Also if a guy is rude to a waiter on the date, they might as well get the check right then in there. I especially hate when I’m on a date and can’t even get a word in. I went on a date with some turd who thought he was a big shot because he went to grad school, by time he shut up for 10 seconds I couldn’t even think of anything to ask, my brain was enjoying the silence. To me, that just shows me that you think you’re above certain people. That also tells me that you probably have a small dick, and are trying to compensate by being some over masculine asshole. Gross.
I am a very goal oriented and ambition driven person. Since I was about 6 years old my mom has been asking me what I wanted to do with my life. Yeah, I know I’m only 25 and should be having “fun”. But to me, being in debt and floating through life is not fun. The decisions I make now at 25 determine what my life will be like at 40. I’ll actually be 26 at the end of the year, so I’m pretty close to 30. I know way too many people who are still having fun and are pushing 30 with no life goals or financial savings. Sure my parents help me out with certain things, but I pay 90% of my bills. Regardless of money, I need someone who also wants to push boundaries to further their career. I don’t see myself staying in some 9-5 job my entire life. I hope to be able to start my own brand (a la Elite Urbanite) and eventually have my own event planning company, because it’s always been a passion of mine. I’m all for being someones support system, but I’m not going to be someone’s mommy either. I don’t have enough drive for the both of us.
The Conversation Flows
I can literally talk about everything. I meaaaaan you can’t start a blog without having some sort of vast knowledge of a bunch of random shit going on in the world. So here we are! I absolutely HATE when I have to keep the conversation going or think of things to talk about. Talking to someone you want to date shouldn’t feel like a task. If talking to that person for 3 hours feel like 10 minutes, they’re definitely the right one. I am a bit of a “Chatty Kathy” (again, why I started a blog), so I’ve felt as though I was annoying guys by talking about serious issues like politics and culture, or even fun things like music, memes, and tv shows. But if you aren’t able to talk about anything and everything, how do you expect to *possibly* spend the rest of your life with this person???
They Give You Space
Lastly, and probably most importantly… they give you spaaaace. Dating during this quarantine is somewhat easier because we’re forced to give one another space and are actually able to get to know one another! As I mentioned before, we are HUMAN. Sometimes we like to be alone, I know I certainly do. It’s nice having someone to chat with during quarantine of course, but in person I don’t expect to see someone every single day. Once the world opens back up there will be so many different aspects of our lives that’ll change, one of those things will be returning back to work. After a long exhausting day of work I do not expect my partner to want to spend hours with me. That’s literally what the weekends are for. Sure a mid week date night is always fun, but eventually spending time will feel draining and like something we don’t even want to do. Even when it comes to friendships and extracurricular things. If I feel like having a weekend with my girls, I would expect my partner not to have any issues with that and vice versa. As someone who enjoys a bit of alone time, I would be thrilled to hear my partner is spending the day playing golf with his boys.