Slow & Steady Wins the Race
So many of us thought that when we met the “love of our life” we would just know. Just like a movie, we were made to think that the clouds would part, birds would chirp, and harps would play in the distance. Unless you have two evil step sisters and a fairy god mother, this isn’t real life!
I have a hard time dating. At this point I can predict what will happen each time I meet someone. I can break down the play-by-play better than John Madden. First I’ll meet the guy, sometimes I’ll meet them through a friend or on a dating app. They are beyond eager to meet and are blown away by my electric personality and want to know everything about me (yes, I’m hyping myself up because SOMEBODY has to). Of course, me being a human, I get excited! I think maybe this one is going to work out. We finally hang out one on one… we get along great! Feels like we’ve known each other for years. Then 24 hours later comes “The Freakout”. They text me out of the blue saying they’re going through too much or not in a place to date blah blah blah, a bunch of bullshit. Even weirder, they still keep in contact or want to keep hanging out.
One guy who was a disaster of a human called me an hour after hanging out saying he wasn’t looking for a relationship. Yeah pal, neither was I… especially not with YOU. Plus a possible relationship was never even brought up in the first place. It was just two people hanging out. What was confusing to me, was that even though he didn’t want a relationship… he still wanted me to go see a movie and get dinner with him. You know, like what couples do. We even hung out and watched movies at his place. Only for him to freak out again, and yet still ask if we could still be friends… NO!?!? Honestly, I’m perfectly fine just chilling with someone without labels (I’m a busy lady!), but NOT when they’re constantly overthinking the situation. I don’t have time for indecisiveness. You’re a grown ass man.
Another guy I went on a date with, we went to a local bar had an awesome time filled with plenty of laughter. I asked him if he wanted to keep hanging out and watch a movie. And that’s exactly what we did… watch a movie! There was no pressure, I thought it was perfect. Apparently us cuddling on a DATE was too overwhelming for him. Before he even got home he texted me saying he was going through a lot and was embarrassed that he didn’t make any further moves, and went on this weird tangent saying he didn’t have intimacy issues and that he was just nervous. I reminded him we did exactly what we planned to do… hangout and watch a movie… so I wasn’t exactly sure what the freak out was for. To be honest, he was going through a lot. He had just moved here from Canada and was in grad school for architecture, which he wasn’t exactly doing well in. I get it, we all have drama. But what I DON’T like is when people ghost. Don’t be a f*cking pussy. If you can move to a whole new country, you should also have the balls to tell someone you need time to yourself. Because he assumed I wouldn’t be able to understand, he’d rather not communicate at all. Which is stupid.
Before the pandemic reached it’s full course. I had another movie date night! *rolls eyes* I should’ve known this dude was going to suck when Ozzy kept trying to sit in the middle of us. The date itself went well, we texted for a little while after. But then I stopped hearing from him. When I eventually confronted him to ask for an answer, said he didn’t feel a “spark”. First of all as I said before, that’s not a real fucking thing. Second of all, this guy was full of shit and kept trying to get me to hook up with him. He felt a spark alright… right in his damn pants.
Most recently I went on a date with a guy who on paper seemed perfect for me. We had the same taste in music, same goals in life, similar family background, same interests in documentaries and human rights. But in person, he was just as insecure as all the ones before. Nevertheless, I still thought the date went well, he even asked me to send him the playlist we had been vibing out to, and even asked if we could hang out again to which I agreed. Even though I had a good time… all I kept thinking to myself was “aaaand here comes the freakout!” Like clockwork the next day I get a long text saying that he isn’t in a place to get into a relationship at the moment but would love to keep hanging out one on one and being friends. He even asked if we could go on a hike when he is back in town. SIR! That IS dating.
I’m honestly still trying to comprehend how the fuck that’s any different from “getting to know someone”. And therein lies the issue. SO many people think that from the moment you meet someone, you’re supposed to be blown away, have some come to Jesus moment, and think “I have to marry this person NOW!” That’s not the case. Some of y’all need to stop watching so many movies. Relationships that are rushed and constantly under pressure are doomed from the start. I know someone that is basically living with someone THREE WEEKS after meeting them. She has already met his family… after WEEKS! Because they are a friend, I hope it lasts. But it’s impossible to keep up with that momentum. Also, for me personally, there is so much more I need to know about a person before just jumping into something. I’ve seen way too many True Crime series, I know how that shit ends!!!
Murderers aside, it’s important to know someone on a deeper level before making that full commitment. If you have a good time with someone, there’s nothing wrong with continuing to hang out without a title until you’re 100% sure. So many of my closest friends are in long term relationships with people they probably hadn’t seem themselves with. Not because they didn’t have similar interests, but because they started out just as friends. Some of them had been friends for years before realizing they liked one another. When I asked them all for advice they all gave the same two statements, “the best relationships are made from friendships” and “slow and steady wins the race.”
Oddly enough the two people I’ve known my entire life gave me the same advice… yep, you guessed it, my mom and dad! My mom was not feeling my dad with his trench coat and blond highlight when they first met. I mean girl, I don’t blame you LOL. They had known of each other for years through my uncle, but it was more of a passing friendship. My mom told me when they first started talking, they developed a good friendship first. They would talk on the phone everyday, and got to know each other over time. My great grandma would always say to my mom “Danielle! That boy with the raspy voice is on the phone for you again!” A few years later she ended up marrying that boy with the raspy voice, and in July they celebrated 27 years of marriage!
To be fair, I’ve definitely dodged some bullets with these guys. Sure, I understand that sometimes there simply just isn’t an attraction. Unfortunately that’s something you can’t change. People like what they like! However, when someone says they had a great time, are attracted to me, AND want to keep hanging out… it doesn’t exactly make sense to me. Yes, I know that I can come across very sure of myself and self-aware (well, because I am!), but often times I’m just as nervous and anxious as the next person. One would think being self-aware is a positive attribute, but when it comes to dating it’s more of a crutch. I’ve come to realize that this is what causes “The Freakout”. I wish rather than immediately jump to conclusions, these guys would take the time to know me beyond the surface. Yes I’m serious about my career and goals, but I’m in no rush to get into some whirlwind romance. Hopefully one day someone takes a chance on me and realizes that in fact, slow and steady does indeed win the race.