From a young age, my mother would always encourage me to speak and walk with confidence. She was adamant upon this because her mother did the same for her, as did her mother before that. So naturally this is a characteristic that has been instilled in me for quite some time. They all taught me that I should have no fear when it comes to speaking up for things I both agree and disagree with.
That being said, If my classmates said things I didn’t agree with… I would let them know. Even if I did not agree with what certain teachers said, I’d do the same. Now I was not just going around berating people, I only spoke up for myself in situations that pertained to me. Funny enough, my nickname has been “Cookie” (short for “Tough Cookie”) for as long as I can remember. This was simply because just never had time for people’s nonsense. But once I reached middle school, suddenly everyone had time for the nonsense.
Whenever there would be drama or gossip involving my name, I’d confront the issue head on, just as I was taught. But I soon learned that some people are put off by people’s confidence which is upsetting. For years I had learned to pride myself on my upfront and mature way of dealing with things, but others continued to tear me down because of it.
Of course, High School is even worse. I was never the type to start any drama, but somehow my name would be in the middle of stories I had never even been a part of. All of this spurred from the insecurity of others. When you reach this age, the goal of many girls is to make other girls feel “less than”. They eventually succeeded in their goal and destroyed any confidence I had left.
To make matters even worse, I began to reach the age where I could start dating. Already lacking confidence from the constant and petty High School Drama, my confidence was misread by any boys I was interested in.
Even now at nearly twenty-five years of age I still have issues with this. At this point in my life I have learned how to love myself and not care what people think. However the more I do this, the smaller I see my circle get. But nevertheless If I have an issue with either with a friend or a boyfriend, I will certainly speak my mind.
Which leads me to this question… why do people fear others with confidence, especially women? I always find myself between a rock and a hard place. I do not want to settle or dim my light to make someone else’s light brighter, but I would love for my confidence to not be an issue to both friends and lovers.
I know in terms of my career and the field I’m in, this is the way I’m supposed to be. Confident and charismatic. Because if I were to be some weak minded woman, I would constantly get stepped on.
Its exhausting, but I still have faith things will be okay. I am proud to come from a line of independent and strong women (aka Boss B**ches) who worked hard and stayed true to themselves. I know in my heart that at the end of the day, its my happiness that matters and not anyone else’s!